eldabion

You know you're getting old when you can't adapt.

I think back to the "golden days" of livejournal, and I know that those days are gone forever. People have moved on to twitter or facebook, and I can see the attraction. I've tried them out, and I am pretty sure in more competent hands they are a great tool for social interaction. I also entirely agree that they are far more convenient to handle on a mobile device. How many apps out there can crosspost between twitter and livejournal for example (or G+ and Livejournal and twitter ...).

But I personally feel that these are not the social media networks for me. I mean, I don't really have any choice in the matter ... if I want to interact with people online then this seems the way to do it. But what I mean is that I grew up on Livejournal and I am having trouble adapting to this twitter / facebook world. Sure, I remember wishing once upon a time that there was a way to "only see the important stuff on LJ" (and I see Facebook is trying to just about do this now. People complain, but with the mass of posts coming through I don't see how else people will be able to manage), but ultimately, it was a system that worked for me.

Not that I don't wish that some of the more mobile orientated features of Facebook could be on LJ, but then I also wish some LJ features could be on Facebook.

I suppose there is no point wishing things were different. The important question is to ask how to best adapt to it.

Speaking of which stay tuned for my review of 2011, and thoughts about 2012! (Yeah ... riveting stuff >.> )

Okok, so I downloaded Grindr onto my phone. It has been out on Android for a while now, but so far I've been put off by all the negative reviews for it.

What triggered this change of heart you ask? Well, I met up with 2 friends from secondary school on Boxing Day, one of whom has Grindr on his iphone. As you do, we idly checked out what sort of other gays were in the area :P It is always always interesting to compare what we each find attractive.

Anyway, one particular guy's face caught my eye, and I just couldn't shake the memory from my head, so this morning I decided to download the app and see if I can find him again. And I did! I will also admit that in my search for this guy there were others that were quite cute too in their various ways.

And he's still cute, but reading the accompanying text more closely, it sounds like he's just looking for chat and well, I'm not >:P

All of which triggered the following thoughts:

1) Grindr encourages us to be entirely superficial. If that little square of avatar that jostles with everyone else's picture doesn't catch the eye well, then you get passed over. Given this environment, I have to wonder how effective this is at making friends or more in the long term. On the other hand, is it so different being in a big party with people you are not familiar with? Given no better basis, don't we all just start talking to people we find attractive?

2) Perhaps it is that Grindr enourages us to be judgemental that makes me uneasy. From the safety of a tiny screen, we can openly scoff at people, judge them unworthy, and well, be a bit of a douche. I think we're less likely to act like that when meeting people in person.

3) I put a lot of store in a person's smile as a measure of their personality. I don't think it is the worst way of judging a person, but it still feels superficial. Can you really judge a person by your first impressions?

4) I'm fickle. I'd almost say I fell in love with this guy's face, except for also finding several other profiles attractive. Story of my life really. And now that I've found it, well, I realize just how unrealistic my expectations were.

I still haven't decided whether to actually create an account yet, or just uninstall the whole thing. Any thoughts out there?

I've ... enjoyed Christmas more this year than I expected. I mean, it is always nice to have a break, but our family doesn't do anything special for Christmas apart, it seems, from the walk we have after our Christmas lunch (which I've never noticed before but apparently we have been doing this for a year now. Go figure, we usually take a walk after a heavy meal anyway!).

Aside: We had roast lamb for Christmas lunch, which was lovely. I know turkey is traditional, but I have to ask, does anyone actually -like- roast Turkey? My twitter feed makes me think that it is something that gets inflicted on people every year.

Anyway, despite the lack of specialness, I still got 3 Christmas cards (I believe a 4th may be waiting for me in Reading), and a present. It may not have been as many Christmas cards as previous years, but you know what the funny thing is? The less you get the more special each one feels. Every card I got this year is was truly touching, each had a little comment inside it that meant the world to me.

The present too was way more than I expected; An engraved travel clock from Temjin. It is beautifully old fashioned, and such a thoughtful present.

But the point of all this, I suppose, is to say that I got the best Christmas presents in the world. I'm not a very materialistic person; Frankly I have way too much stuff already and I earn enough that I can afford to buy anything anybody might buy me for Christmas. I really don't care how expensive that present is, but I do care how unique it is, about what it means, and how much thought and effort was put into it.

I suppose, like the husky attention whore that I am, I still crave to be shown love and affection.

And if you look closely, isn't that the bit of Christmas that works best? When we might share love, affection, and a sense of togetherness with each other.

Peace on Earth, and goodwill to all Men.

Aah, recently got the urge to write more rambly posts than twitter allows, but not so public as on facebook. After consultation it looks like people still use Lj, so here I am dusting the cobwebs away.

This time though, I'm using the ElJay android application (and frankly I have come to the conclusion that any social network worth its salt must have an app), and SwiftKey keyboard was on offer :) Here's hoping that it is a match made in heaven

So as I briefly mentioned earlier I've started learning how to use Python. I can't help feel frustrated however and have made practically no progress with it today. It doesn't help that what I'm trying to do covers two domains which I have previously no experience in; Python and HTTP.

And while I can use that as an excuse, I can't help feel incresingly irrelevant because of it. I look around at all the clever people around me, and then I look at my own rapidly irrelevant skills, and I wonder whether this is me growing old. I don't seem to be able to learn and absorb information the way I used to be able to.

And I feel as if I'm wasting my time. As if no matter how much time I spend on this, I'll never make any headway with it.

Really must remember to write first, read later ... >.

Next time I really have to put thoughts down on paper first, and wander around reading friends posts after. Means I'll feel more relaxed reading (and not feel I have to read it all quickly) and my mind isn't split trying to hold onto a thought while reading something.

Anyway, the thought that has compelled me to write something down is the idea that we all need time to fallow. If you're unfamiliar with the term, it is an old agricultural practise of leaving land uncultivated for (typically) 1 year in every 4. As a result, the land actually becomes more productive an bountiful overall.

Anyway, enough condescension.

My point, is that it is ok to have an extended period of time just ... keeping things in a low gear. I'd say that drifting is the wrong word, but not being 110% with life. For a long period of time, I was obsessed with fitting as much into the time I had as possible. But life cannot be like that perpetually. Taking time off from doing things you enjoy may sound weird, but ultimately I feel more alert, and have a better perspective on life. Ultimately, this is a form of rationalization; and the big loser is gaming. Board gaming has somewhat taken over my life last year and it is time to rebalance that with other interests.

And I am taking up other interests. I've started going to Tai Chi classes on Tuesday nights. I can't actually do the whole lesson since I'm coming in halfway though the term, but I stay for the first hour and do various exercises. Its an amazingly good way to destress and, corny as it sounds, I do feel revitalized. Its like combining meditation with aerobic exercise. (I'm also thinking of going to meditation class, as a matter of fact. OTT perhaps?)

I've started going to Reading tweetmeets. Its a pleasant atmosphere and in some ways reminds me of how LF furmeets used to be. Not too big and crowded, relaxed atmosphere, the big difference is that the people are just generally a little more adult. Its like a grown up furmeet. Anyway, I expect I will continue to go to these, but perhaps not religiously.

And most important, I'm trying to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. Nomially this just means that my day has shifted a little, but it makes a huge difference. First of all I notice I'm getting more sleep, because there is no "hard" time that I have to get up by. I have an alarm clock, but sometimes I wake early and sometimes I snooze. It also means I'm not rushing in the morning to get ready, so its a much more relaxed start to the day. It is an hour in the morning that I can do what I want without a hundred obligations pressing down on me.

I've always said that we have to be happy with what we have, and that often, it is often futile to try and "directly" achieve something. Sometimes, we're so hell bent on getting somewhere, that we forget to stop and enjoy the view. I feel as if I've forgotten this lesson, and that I'm only now beginning to return to it.

A return to a life uncluttered.

Someone I can talk to
Without fear of reprisal
Someone I can listen to
Without feeling bored

Someone who will challenge me
To be a better person
Someone who will love me
For what I am

Oh dear ... I look at a blank page and I don't know what to write any more. I think the ideas are still in there, the thoughts occasionally break free from the rest of my grey and mushy thoughts, but they are weaker, and the urge to put them down on paper has decreased. Questions swirl in my head that I keep meaning to write about, but lack the will to commit thoughts on the page.

What is it that I look for in a relationship?

What is it that makes me happy?

What can be said of the year gone?

What is it I fear?

And for now a quote from the introduction to a piece of work that is very much occupying my time at the moment:

"Excellence is its own master, owes no allegiances, bows its head to no regimen. It exists pure and whole like the silver face of the moon. Untouchable, unreasonable, exquisite. But frustrating because it reminds us how much mediocrity we put up with, just to get through the week"

To serve a higher cause, wouldn't that be glorious? Wouldn't it be comforting to know that there is some higher power that directs us, gives us purpose, _absolves_ us of our mistakes.

On the other side, they say a gilded cage is still very much a cage. But it doesn't hold us in with bars, it only invites us to stay in bed where it is warm and cozy when the world is cold and unforgiving. It traps us with nothing stronger than our own desires.

I'm sorry if I'm being crypic, I'm more writing just to get thoughts down on paper, rather than to try to make sense of any of it yet. Need to get back into the writing habit, and as you can see, twitter has had an effect on my writing style ...